Friday, February 01, 2008

Realization

Sunday in church, our pastor asked for anyone who was in a difficult place or for anyone struggling with something that was causing them grief to raise their hand. A few hands went up and people near them gathered around them to pray for them.

My hand did not go up.

Nearly 250 Sundays have come and gone since I first found out about our infertility problem. And on any one of those Sundays, a request like that from the pulpit would have caused my hand to be the first one in the air. I longed for someone to reach out to me and help explain how I could worship without feeling so overcome by grief. Church was so unbelievably painful to me because church often centers around family, something I desperately wanted but didn't have. And it wasn't just in church that my heart hurt so badly. My heart hurt so badly all of the time.

My heart really doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't know when this transformation officially occurred, but I thank my Heavenly Father for taking this pain from heart. For the last four and a half years, this was my main prayer. I would beg the Lord, plead with Him, to please cause me to stop hurting so badly. I wanted to be able to go to the park, go over to friends' homes, visit the zoo, or the mall, or watch TV without feeling like I was going to cry. I didn't want to cry anymore.

I don't cry anymore.

I cannot tell you the last time I cried about being infertile. I think the tears dried up about a month after our last failed IVF. I know this is due to a combination of factors. I know the fact that this dumb little dog joined our family around that time is no coincidence. He has been such an amazing and frustrating distraction! I also know that moving forward with the China adoption and then getting that call to adopt little XY helped pad the sadness as well.

When my friend "from my past life" Kelsey came to visit here last year, I became aware that I was healing. We went over to Jodi's house for dinner, and I spent the evening holding William and bothering Keenan. Afterwards, Kelsey told me she had never seen me like that. I didn't know what she meant. But as we started talking I realized that Kelsey had only known me as an infertile woman. I used to be like that all the time. I would always be holding the babies and mothering other children. But during my years of infertility, I shut myself off to that. There were still a few children I let in, but very few. It just hurt too much.

I say all this, not to say anything bad about those individuals who did raise their hands. If anything, I am keenly aware of the pain they must be feeling in their life right now. It hurts so bad.

I just wanted to let everyone know that it is not hurt I currently feel, and I am so blessed to, finally, be able to say that.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wendi, That was absolutely beautiful.
Lauren

AW said...

Wendi, what a really wonderful post. I'm so glad to hear that you are in a new place. I breathe a sigh of relief with you.

I had a single friend recently tell me that so many of her friends have forgotten how hard it is to be single, when all you want is to be married. She feels very isolated and alone. Not just forgotten by all her married friends, but by God. Another faith crisis similar to the one infertility can cause.

I understood exactly what she meant. And I think you do too.

Please, let's not forget the pain of this journey. I don't want any woman's pain compounded by the fact that we've made them feel isolated or forgotten.

You are such a blessing to me.

XOXOXO,
Andi

Anonymous said...

Yes Wendi, lovely post. Praise God for His faithfulness!

Additional thoughts.... At some point, all of us struggle with something that tests us, removes us from living, and denies us hope. But anytime we get through it, it's not only important to acknowledge the pain of that event--it's also important to recognize what we've learned in the process. Not only does the experience provide empathy, but it also gives us perspective. Have you ever noticed that when you absolutely stop focusing on your struggle, your struggle is absolutely over? It wasn't until I was OK with being single that I found my spouse. It wasn't until I was OK with not having children that I found myself the parent of a beautiful baby girl. Sometimes I think our pain is so intense that we're not hearing God say, "It's OK. I'm here, and I have plans for you! Just be patient a little bit longer." I know in crisis I rarely, if ever, hear that voice. God had amazing plans for you all along. This is your time--embrace it and enjoy loving life!

TAV said...

Wen- you know I know (in a different way) how you have felt. I similarly HAVE NOT CRIED in ages (well, except in the hospital :)) and am so joyful for God's blessings! GOD IS FAITHFUL AND MERCIFUL!!!!! MIRACLES HAPPEN!!! :)
Can't wait to relish in your joy soon!! <3 tara

Tara said...

How wonderful, Wendi. :) I can so relate.

And I agree with funkymonkey about singleness being so similar...I tried hard to remember my single friends in this way. It's not an easy road, either.

Anonymous said...

dear wen,
my heart was filled with such joy while tears fell, reading your beautiful blog. love you so much.
It reminds me of passages in the book of ISaiah I love so much -He truly is a God who brings flowers in the deserts, springs in the wilderness. This morning I'm looking at a beautiful purple crocus that overnite is blooming on this cold winter morning. Your realization is like a flower blooming in winter. I love you Tante Jan

Anonymous said...

Your blog was beautiful.
It has been so wonderful seeing you and JB working this out with each other and God and sharing your journey.
Even tho you never raised your hand and had someone physically touch you, by you sharing your heart on your blog, You had many people reaching out and touching you in the 'Spirit'.
So many of my friends have held you up and prayed for you (and still are).
We are excited about the arrival of XY and are praying for him and Bri as well every day.


ps Dad has a dalmation on his 'wallpaper' on the computer.
I think he likes that dog!! Mom

Ryan & Katie Myhre said...

wendi, i am so glad to read about the good place you are in now! thanks for your comment on our blog:) don't worry, the only reason we have that stuff done is because i went into preterm labor twice so far and we figured we'd better get ready in case this little one comes early. i am due on april 29th with our baby boy, Kieran. i am so excited to hear our little boys will be growing up in the world of military medicine at the same time....hopefully some day we will be near each other enough to have them play together:) give john a hug for me and congrats to both of you on being MORE THAN HALFWAY done with internship. not bad, eh!? you and john and your babies and scrubs are all in our prayers:) love, katie

Anonymous said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes... Thank you for being an encouragement to those who are still grieving their infertility. It helps to know that healing is possible.

-a Hannah's Prayer 'sister'

Wendi Kitsteiner said...

Dear sister, I can't promise you that this journey will be easy. But I can promise you that I understand your pain, I've felt your pain, and there can be sunshine even after the rain. That's not to say I won't have another day of rain. But today, there's sunshine.